You're WHAT!
by Tara Tragedy
Summary: Kakuzu finds a brilliant way to make money using the one thing he loves almost as much - Hidan. Fake!MPreg, cussing, OOC-ness XD
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I'm a r-tard :D**

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"Oi Hidan, did you know the Cowboys are playing the Chargers tomorrow?" Kakuzu called from the other room.

Hidan gasped and dropped the pot he was holding. "No way, for serious?" He nearly ran into the living room where Kakuzu was reading the paper.

"Why on _Earth_ would I lie about something so awesome?"

Hidan smirked, nestling himself into Kakuzu's lap. "Wow. Our teams, playing each other. So cool."

"Indeed," the older man said as he shifted Hidan to the side so that he could continue reading.

"Kakuzu?"

"What," He looked up at his lover. Hidan was smiling suggestively, but he looked sad.

"You aren't going to bet me again… are you?"

Kakuzu paused and looked thoughtful. "I'm not sure," he chuckled softly, "why?"

"'Cuz last time we bet I ended up losing two-months worth of pay!"

"Well, that just goes to show how lucky you are to live here with me," Kakuzu commented, sounding smug.

The other shot him a glare. "Every time my pay gets docked, you fucking yell at me. Even when it's your own damn fault!"

"I hardly think it's my fault that you chose to show up to work nude…"

"THAT WAS THE BET!" Hidan growled and turned to leave.

"Oh, and one more thing: be sure to clean up that mess in the kitchen."

Hidan sighed, returning to said room. He didn't exactly know what Kakuzu was talking about but, taking one step onto the linoleum, he realized that the pot he dropped had been full of water for the pasta he was going to make.

"Fuck!"

--

The next day, Kakuzu made his routine stop at the small convenience store across the street for his morning cup of coffee.

"Morning, Kakuzu-san," the clerk said as the door chimed. Kakuzu always arrived in at the same time each day, so it was force of habit by now.

"Good morning Mr. Moore," he grumbled, heading for the coffee machine towards the back of the store.

Winston Moore was a short, stubby old man. Alive for nearly sixty-two years, he'd been working here for about twenty of them. "Hey, wait a 'sec!" The other man turned to face Winston, "You look down, what's happened now? Another fight with Hidan? Cowboys are playing tonight, you ought to be happy."

"Yeah… And no, it's just so damn cold today. Hidan's been relatively well-behaved lately, so I can't really complain."

"I see," the elder pronounced slowly, turning to face the window with a grimace. Hidan was running up to the door with a Chihuahua at his heels. Said man smacked into the glass with a thud.

He scrambled off the wall and fought to get inside, panting when he finally did. Kakuzu stared at him critically. "Okay, I don't want to know."

"'Kuzu, hey, could you get me a Slim-Jim?"

Hidan's cheeks were red from running what could have been blocks with that little rat after him. Kakuzu sighed. "Fine."

After successfully locating the box of Slim Jims in the back, Kakuzu decided to thumb through a stack of magazines while Hidan was in the restroom. One in particular sparked his interest: "Woman impregnated by aliens; awarded $500 for compensation." He turned to page 17 and read the entire story to himself.

"Hey, I know we're friends, but this ain't a library," Winston said from his spot behind the counter.

"Gimme a second, will you?" When he was finished, Kakuzu scoffed. "What a bunch of nonsense! Who in their right mind would believe this shit?"

"Oh hell, lots of people. Nobody's as smart as they used to be anymore."

"Ridic—" He paused, lips curling into a demented grin.

The toilet flushed and Hidan stepped out of the small washroom. "Uhh. Mr. M? You're out of tp." He glanced at Kakuzu who was still smiling in an unpleasant manner. "What?"

Suddenly snapping out of his delirium, the older man chuckled. His lover looked a bit scared and tossed him a weird look, but Kakuzu couldn't possibly give a shit even if he tried. When Asaito Kakuzu had an idea, he was unstoppable.

--

**Interesting start, eh? ;3**

**You know you wanna review :D**

**xoxo**


	2. Chapter 2

**(A/N):** Sorry it took so long; I've been busy. c:

* * *

~ _**YOU'RE WHAT!**_** -**_**Ch. 2**_ ~

"_Why _are we doing this again?" Hidan grumbled for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"Because I said so – duh," Kakuzu stated, also for about the hundredth time.

Hidan's fingers moved to the pendant around his neck. "But… sex is a sin…"

"And sins are forgiven."

"Only if you repent for seventy-two hours straight! Do you have any idea how much of a drain that is on the body?"

"Nope," the older man spoke with a smile.

"See, this is why you're going to hell."

"Hell doesn't scare me…" Kakuzu teased, moving closer to the Jashinist. He could see Hidan's face tense, and stopped. "Do _I_ scare _you_?"

"N-No… I'm just nervous is all… This isn't right." His eyes flashed a brilliant shade of pink – their typical color when he was either scared or excited.

Kakuzu sighed and pulled his shirt back on. "We'll try this again later."

.x.

It was a good thing Hidan was such a lightweight. After only two glasses of wine, the kid was too tipsy to walk straight. The only drawback? When Hidan was drunk, his hot-headedness increased tenfold.

The two of them were seated around the fireplace in the living room. Kakuzu had a book in his lap and Hidan was messily sipping a third glass of wine. They had just finished watching the game, and the room was warm and dimly lit. Everything was near perfect for Kakuzu's plan.

"Oi, 'Kuzu! I need more!"

Kakuzu sighed. "Hidan, you're already drunk enough, don't you think?"

Dumbfounded, the silver-haired man spat back, "Fuck you! It's my life dammit, and I can do whatever the fuck I want. Kak-chan? _Please_?" The other tossed a pillow at him and glared into his book. "KAKUZU! I-I want your pants…"

"…What?" The other asked, raising an eyebrow. Hidan looked at him like he'd suddenly grown a second head and began chuckling loudly. Patience quickly depleting, Kakuzu snapped, "What the hell is so damn funny?"

By now, the Jashinist was literally laughing himself to tears. "Y-You… have… _pink eyes_!"

"Retard, so do you."

Hidan went silent, touching his eye with a shaky hand. "Oh Jashin…" He stumbled to the mirror hanging over the fireplace to confirm what his lover had told him. "What the fuck! I can't go to work like this!"

Sighing, Kakuzu left his place on the couch. He grabbed Hidan by his belt loop and threw him over one shoulder. "Hidan, we're going to play a little game," the man said as he walked down the hallway to their room.

"Game? W-What… is it…?" He covered his mouth, "Kuzu, I think I'm going to be sick…"

"If you vomit on me, I SWEAR… The game is called 'Hidan Finally Submits to My Will,' now doesn't that sound fun?"

They entered the dark room and the door slammed shut behind them.

.x.

Hidan woke up the next morning naked, sticky and _really_ sore. He rolled over to find Kakuzu sound asleep next to him. _Huh… Why isn't he at work? Must be early still… _He dared a glance at the alarm clock next to the sleeping man and nearly shit himself. "Fuck!" _It's Monday – Kakuzu has the day off! _"I'm gonna be late!"

He leapt out of bed and pulled on some clothes. Breakfast was already made and ready to go, _damn you Kakuzu_, so all Hidan had left to do was scarf it down and get the hell out of there. Keys in hand, he opened the front door and raced down the two flights of stairs to the parking garage. It took him three tries to get the car started, but when the engine finally kicked on, Hidan sped out into the street.

The radio was set to 92.3 – his favorite – and Hidan was rocking out. So much so that he almost hit a defenseless old lady crossing the street, a small child playing ball on the sidewalk and a fat guy walking out of a donut shop. But he didn't care; all that mattered was getting to work on time. His boss was always mega pissed when he was late, but only because it happened so often. Luckily, she had a _huge_ crush on him so Hidan could do no wrong.

"Good morning, Hidan," Teal said monotonously, "I see you're not in uniform …again."

Looking down at himself, he cursed. "My bad?"

"Quite," she replied, tapping a pen to her clipboard and directing him in the direction of the dressing room at the back of the store. Hidan sighed heavily and staggered toward a shelf of high heels. "I'd like you to wear something extra skimpy today. We're having a sale on plus-sized lingerie."

"The fuck? You saying I'm fat Teal?"

"Not at all!" She smiled generously, handing him something similar to a blood-spattered French maid's outfit. Ten minutes later, Hidan stepped out of the dressing room looking like a cheap manwhore. His boss chirped happily at the end result. "Looks great, now get to work please."

"Welcome to Hot Topic. I'm Hidan, how can I help you?" He recited weakly for the near-hundredth time that day. As usual, the customer was an old guy that looked as if he really had no clue what he was doing there. That was all they got anymore for some reason.

"Say, Sweetie, that's one deep voice you've got there," the wrinkly man whispered in the most seductive voice he could muster.

Cringing, Hidan corrected him. "Sir… I'm a guy; what the fuck do you want?"

Immediately the geezer's interest faded and he coughed to hide his shock. "Oh… Well, I knew that sonny! Anyways, I'm lookin' to get my granddaughter's lip pierced. She's been nagging me 'bout how she wants to get it done."

"Okay sure, what size?"

The man looked offended. "How dare you! My granddaughter is beautiful no matter what you say! I mean, sure, she's a little fat…" He paused in thought and slapped Hidan across the face. With that, he stormed out into the mall.

"Hidan, what are you wearing? Put some clothes on!"

His head jerked swiftly in the direction of the voice, an awkward feeling seeming to surround the store. "…What the fuck are you doing here Kakuzu?" Hidan's heart skipped a beat when he saw Kakuzu's lips curl up into a cunning smile.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing… I know I was a bit rough with you last night," he said loudly.

_That bastard…! _"Dude, shut the hell up before I get in trouble with Teal again." Suddenly he recalled the few bits and pieces of the previous night he could remember. _Oh my Jashin… So _that's_ why my freaking ass hurts! DAMMIT. _"Kakuzu… just go home. I'll talk to you tonight…"

The older man smirked and took several steps forward so that he was right in front of Hidan's position behind the counter. "Aw, but then I couldn't do this," he whispered, placing his hands on each side of Hidan's face and pulling forward to kiss him. Hidan was far too perplexed to react immediately, but as the initial shock faded into pleasure, he began to kiss back. He could feel eyes on him and pulled away early to minimize complaints from customers.

"You need to leave. _Now_."

Kakuzu feigned a hurt look. "But _Hidan-chan," _he mumbled, reaching for Hidan's hand and slipping it inside his own pants, "I need you right now."

A feeling of absolute disgust washed over the silver-haired Jashinist. Never before had he seen his boyfriend act so shameless – and in public, too. "K-Kakuzu… what're…–?" Before he could finish, Kakuzu's strong arms wrapped tightly around his waist. Fear immediately kicked in and Hidan began flailing around. "What the fuck! Stop! Kakuzu!"

The struggle ended suddenly, and Hidan pulled the older man close. "Can I have a _WORD_ with you?" Kakuzu nodded, and the silver-haired man led him to the back of the store and unlocked the door to the stall. When they were both inside, Kakuzu chuckled. "What the fuck could possibly be funny about this!"

"You're cute, Hidan. But that aside, I have a diabolical scheme that will make us some serious cash—"

"No way, I want no part in this retarded plan of yours!" He snapped.

"But— Hidan, you _are_ the plan." Kakuzu stated.

Looking astonished, Hidan scoffed and retorted, "What's the plan, to ruin my day? If so, mission-fucking-accomplished!"

"I never did like the idea of you working here, but I suppose what I did out there was a bit childish… I'm sorry." The man across from him raised a thin, silver eyebrow. "But anyways, onto the plan."

And so, the miser delicately explained the almost torture-like idea he had centered around his poor, unfortunate boyfriend. The younger boy was a mere pawn in the other's sick plot to make a quick buck, but he could never let on to that, so instead he said: "My dear Hidan-chan, together we are going to embark on a magical journey through the developing world of life science!"

"…Huh?"

.x.

"NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL AM I GOING TO DO THIS SHIT!"

Kakuzu sighed heavily. "This is probably the 15th time you've said that in the past 10 minutes. I understand your hesitation, but who could say no to this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?"

"If you're so interested, why don't you fucking volunteer instead?"

"I've already signed you up," he lied.

"_FUCK_! You have no respect for my feelings you fucking _shithead_! I don't even know why the fuck I stay around!" The Jashinist looked about ready to explode. His hands were shaking, eyes red and glazed over with angry tears; it was no surprise that in the next instant Hidan had run over and bashed his skull into the wall repeatedly, creating a large gaping hole in the drywall and a huge bleeding gash across his forehead.

Kakuzu just about had a stroke. "My—the wall… Hidan…" The other had visibly calmed down, and was now groping at his new wound. Kakuzu was desperately trying to stay composed, but just the sight of something that required fixing – there goes more money down the drain… – was making his blood boil. "GODDAMMIT. Look what you've done to my wall!" He snarled, lashing out at the half-conscious figure crumpled on the floor with a clenched fist. This felt much better than it should, he thought, and savored the moment by striking him in the face a _few_ more times than completely necessary.

Hidan fell back due to the strength of Kakuzu's wrath and his face went completely blank with a combination of shock and fear. He gathered himself up off of the blood-soaked carpet and darted to their bedroom. The older man stayed standing in the livingroom, surveying the severity of the damage. He growled deep in his throat before pulling an ibuprofen bottle from his pants' pocket and swallowing a few down without water.

Seconds later, the silver-haired boy emerged from the hallway with a suitcase in one hand, stuffed with a random assortment of as much clothing he could find in a couple minutes' time.

"_I FUCKING HATE YOU_!"

Right now, Kakuzu just didn't care enough to stop him from stepping out the door, and walking out of his life for good.

* * *

**(A/N):** Hopefully not too disappointing..? :3


End file.
